Remember that old song? Some of you do I'm sure. We used to make fun of it way back then too. "Nothing more than feelings..." Sometimes it is hard to remember how quickly feelings pass. They come along so intensely and can be overwhelming. They "feel" as though they are the last word.
Lately, doing meditation, I've been discovering that I am usually able to let go of negative emotions fairly quickly. At least the anger. But what to do with envy and sadness and feeling left out.
My early years were not ones of warm welcome into this world. In fact it was pretty much the opposite. There was hatred and every message that I didn't belong here. As an adult I can certainly see intellectually how that is just untrue. There is a place in this world for me. I belong here as much as anyone else. I have begun to love my life. But those messages seem to get relived again and again. Sometimes through someone elses unkindnesses, thoughtlessness, or immaturity. Sometimes it's just this darned old tape that plays over and over in my head...however hard I work on the issues.
Going back to school has been an interesting adventure at 51. Makes me glad I am not a mother. If I were, I would probably have a daughter who was in her teens or grown up. And the challenges between mothers and daughters are very real. I am seeing it played out in my own emotions to an extent. Though not with my own flesh and blood...and somehow it would seem to be easier if you were related. But here I am, having lived so many years, and I am looking at many younger, beautiful women, many of whom have much more privilege than I have had. Many of whom will never begin to know or understand the kind of life I have come from. There might be empathy or respect....or more likely "sympathy", which feels so patronizing. Getting older is hard enough, but please don't pity me. And I feel in my own self, envy. And it feels small, lacking in generosity. And I feel anger as well. Who or what does that serve? They are simply living in this world, with their own fears and inadequacies. We all have them.
So I gather up my defenses and wrap them around myself...which only separates us more and creates distance. I feel tired. And I am glad there is a break from school, so I can go back to my life for a little while and find some strength in those friendships. This is just 20 months more. We're 1/10th of the way through the program! Well...perhaps I will go and shovel some snow for a while. We got lots of it last night!
Peace dear readers. And peace to me too.
<3
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