Walls

"Some Walls..."  Copyright 2011, Caris Cerdwyn, All Rights Reserved

I like the looks of this wall.  Makes me want to tuck prayers or wishes in its cracks.  It has its purpose where it is, and many walls do.  They create landscape, keep pests at bay, keep boundaries in place, make people feel safe, keep other people out...oh, that may not be the best purpose a wall can serve.  And of course it isn't just physical walls like this that I'm talking about.  We have all kinds of walls we put up around ourselves to protect ourselves.  Sometimes it's the "right people,"  sometimes it's an emotional wall, being aloof or distant, being curt or judgmental, using some substance to keep out the pain. 

Peter Paul and Mary used to sing a song called "Some Walls."  Some walls are made of stone, sometimes, we build our own, some walls stand for years, some melt away with tears. 

The other day one of Joan Chittister's emails arrived in my box with powerful words:  God comes in every voice, behind every face, in every memory, deep in every struggle. To close off any of them is to close off the possibility of becoming new again ourselves.
— Joan Chittister

A few years ago I put some walls in place that shut out some people that I had loved for a long time, and who had loved me.  I had gotten hurt and I couldn't find my way toward forgiving that hurt.  I cut off two longterm friendships.  Over time I've come to realize just how terrible a mistake that was.  But there's no going back.  I have opened my heart again, but the pain I caused now has a life of its own, and though in one case, the old friend has forgiven me, there is no longer a free and easy exchange.  Trust was broken and it will take time and a great deal of effort to heal.   In the other case, I've only recently "repented," and forgiveness may not come.

I don't like Sr. Chittister's words in some ways to be honest.  What about people who are being or have been abused?  They shouldn't step out of those relationships?  I find myself feeling the need to go out and buy some new bricks for one of my walls.  Some of them crumble before God's love and mercy.  But some things, though forgiveable, cannot be mended.  Sometimes a wall must remain for our own safety and wellbeing. 

Relationships are challenging.  Deeply challenging.  And the people we love the most, are the ones we cause the most pain.  It is also those people who can most deeply hurt us.  What's the solution?  Not bigger and thicker and higher walls, but bigger hearts.