"Although I have spent a lot of my life in jobs that require me to speak for God, I am still reluctant to do it for all kinds of reasons. In the first place, I have discovered that people who want to speak to me about God generally have an agenda. However well intentioned they may be, their speech tends to serve as a means to their own ends. They have a clear idea about how I should respond to what they are saying. They have a clear destination in mind for me, and nine times out of ten it is not some place I want to go." from An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor
This author is a good one. If you haven't read her work, you might check out some of her titles. One of my favorites is Leaving Church. I heard her speak one fall in upstate New York, and thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Have you ever had a wonderful friend who is very good at being present along the way, but then suddenly seems to acquire an agenda for you, giving advice, rather than just "being with" you along the way? I suppose friendships have to go through such times. Sometimes those agendas have to do with that particular friend's fears or his/her own values, and sometimes it has to do with something s/he observes in you and wants to help you change because it will make you more acceptable to others.
People who speak for God, are especially prone to advice giving. It seems quite ironic to me, because if there is anything that calls us to be fully present to our lives, to this moment, to the people we love, it is God. Advice giving plugs up the natural flow of things. Having the "answers" for someone else according to your own small view of the world, can prevent Spirit from working freely in that person's heart and life.
One of the books that has always moved me is Parker Palmer's Let Your Life Speak. In that book he speaks openly of his depression, and how so often, people with good intentions would say how beautiful the day was, encouraging him to open himself up to it. It only served to make him feel more outside the norm, more isolated. He could see it was a beautiful day. But the depression kept him from drinking it in. One of the things that helped him the most, was this friend who came to sit with him in his despair, and who just rubbed his feet. He could still feel his feet, and the gift of that foot rub. And it fills me with emotion just writing about that. That friend didn't have an agenda, except to be with his friend, and if offering some service could help his friend reconnect with the world, then that was what he would do.
Organized religion often alienates people when it tries to put them on a leash, leading them in a direction they don't want to go, and in fact, are often not meant to go. Church "authority" is called into question a great deal these days. People have left "the church" to find their own spirituality. I think I've wandered back into the church to remember mine. I appreciate some of the structures and traditions of the denomination in which I've decided to root myself. Sometimes we need the structures in order to feel safe and to keep moving forward. But there is always a limit and personal boundaries.
Being a feminist has given me a different take on what church authority means. And losing oneself to service...well, there is blessing in both giving and the ability to receive. Being always in the role of "giver" keeps us from recognizing our own limitations as human beings and our need for others in our life. It can actually be a very controlling thing to be always in the role of giver. It can also wear you out completely and utterly, sucking all of your life energy, and then throwing you away when you're used up. Living a life that is balanced is essential. Knowing how to give and to have a servant's heart is essential. But knowing how to stop and allow ourselves to receive from others is every bit as important a spiritual practice, which restores us to ourselves. An imbalance...never giving or never receiving, leaves us stunted in some important ways as human beings.
Last week the doctor put me on a low dose of prednisone. He told me that if the symptoms I was experiencing disappeared, then I have lupus. I started on Saturday. I forgot about it. But I got up Sunday with a surge of energy and happiness. I smiled and sang all day long. I got projects done, started writing a novel and wrote three chapters and then at the end of the day realized I was utterly pain free. This was something I had not experienced in many, many years. Whoosh...the reality hit home. This was Lupus in my body. So I was finally given a diagnosis of what I've known I've had for many years. As a result of the Lupus, I also have Fibromyalgia. It has brought up many emotions for me after many years of knowing something was wrong, without having been given a name for this thing which was so deeply effecting my quality of life. I am feeling down at the moment. Not because of the disease so much, though that is a difficult reality. It has to do with being dismissed...not being heard, not being truly seen for so many years in visiting the doctor's office. The symptoms of lupus have been there since my 30s. The last few months the disease has been flaring up, causing much fatigue and discomfort. And much of the time I soldier on, with a fairly good sense of humor intact. But pain has a way of exacting its toll, and I don't smile all the time. I don't feel much like engaging in everyday kinds of conversation. I feel cranky and frustrated to the nth degree at times. And I wish that I could go back to feeling the way I used to feel...the way I felt earlier in the week. Energetic and happy and filled with clearness of thought.
Okay, so my suffering is a drop in the ocean of human suffering. And I will search out ways that I can still serve others, even with my limitations. There are always ways we can bring joy to someone else, or some comfort, or some peace. But this is not an easy disease. Pacing oneself is the only way to continue on the journey, and journey it is.
Maybe I'm sharing all this because I want to encourage you, whoever you are, that we all have limitations. Some of us more than others. Let yourself receive the love you need in the ways you need it. And if you are able to be present to someone else's pain, consider it a privilege. We don't realize the great privilege it is to serve others, until that privilege is taken from us.
Let's set aside our agendas for others. We don't know what it is to live in their bodies or in their lives. But when we are present for each other, it can be the most extravagant gift ever given. Anyone for a foot rub?
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