The Evil Eye? or Jealousy, a Tough Love Friend?

Yesterday I was at a bible study about the parable where the landowner pays one group of laborers a penny for the day, working from the beginning of the day, and a second group, working from noon the same wage and then hiring more workers at the end of the day, for the same wage that the laborers who spent the entire day in the scorching heat received. It was an interesting discussion.

In the King James version, there was a phrase that the priest who was leading the discussion brought out several times: the eye of evil. It was in reference to the laborer's jealousy of the last laborers. I re-watched Fiddler on the Roof recently, and Golda tells her daughters not to tempt the evil eye, by bragging too much.

 

This particular parable really isn't about what it seems to be about.  But I've been looking at some issues of jealousy and envy in my own life and the destruction it can cause when we are not honest with ourselves. 

Jealousy can indeed be the eye of evil. Coveting, envy, becoming bitter when someone is more fortunate than ourselves, or maybe not even more fortunate, but perhaps more gifted in special ways, can cause us to act in ways that are destructive. Sometimes in ways that we don't even see ourselves. We become bitter, and then from that bitterness flows all kinds of things that can cause great harm to the people around us, especially the one in particular of whom we are envious.

If you look at the reasons behind spouse abuse, you will always find jealousy in the mix. If you look at the reasons for murder, you will most often find jealousy, envy and greed at the root. If you look at the broken relationships throughout our lives, jealousy and envy can often be found in the reasons that things go awry. Siblings will often having terrible disagreements about certain items in a family and which goes to whom when the parents die.

Jealousy often happens when someone is a gifted writer, musician or artist and receives fame. Julia Cameron in her book The Artist's Way calls jealousy a tough love friend when working on creative recovery. I have found that to be very true. When I am feeling critical and bitter about someone else's success, it is often because I have set my own creative force aside for what I term "practical reasons." Take a look at some of your own feelings of envy. Of whom are you envious? What makes your stomach tie up in knots with jealousy? Could it be that perhaps you simply need to allow yourself the luxury of pursuing the things you love?

There have been people in my life, even myself at times, who have a need to be center stage, the center of attention all the time. When we lose the lime light to someone else, even for a little while, something rises up and that old eye of evil comes to bear. Be cautious! Let's look at our jealousies honestly and even more powerfully, listen to what they have to say. It is important for our well being. When we brush them aside, or refuse to examine those shadowy feelings, they come out sideways wreaking all manner of havoc.

There was a wonderful friendship in my life many years ago that was destroyed by jealousy. The friend would have said the issue was completely my envy of her gifts. There were many complex issues at work, and that very gifted friend had been terribly hurt by people who had been jealous of those special gifts. I became a convenient scapegoat, however I was not innocent in the story either. I own that, and it saddens me to remember a friendship so full of possibility and creativity, ended because we couldn't address those issues honestly within ourselves.

Our jealousies can come out in all sorts of ways.  Sometimes we can patronize, stereotype or discredit the person of whom we are envious.  Sometimes we spread rumors about them, gossiping and focusing on their weaknesses..  It is interesting behavior.  And it can cause great harm...especially when one holds power.  Channeling and using that power to build others up is our calling.  It is always to make room for others and the special gifts they bring.  And when we ourselves have gifts to bring, it is important that we make room for those to shine as well.  After all, we were created to hold God's glory.  Let's do our best not to leave stains on each other because of the evil eye!  Let's listen to what our envy has to say and give ourselves the gift of allowing ourselves to be creative, to have abundance flow through our lives, and most of all, to remember that we are deeply and wonderfully loved.

Eternal and Loving God, give us eyes to see the truth about ourselves. Give us ears to hear when our own insecurities are getting in the way of your Spirit's flow. Help us to listen and to hear the whispers of our own hearts, our own longings and desires. And help us to know that the things for which we most yearn, have a place in your plan. You delight in giving us the desires of our hearts. You take great joy in seeing us shine with your glory. Give us a spirit of humility which can make room for other people and their wonderful gifts, even as we open ourselves to the source of all creativity and allow you to flow through us. May it be so!

Music, Healing and Good Neighbors...

KOBI featured a story about some Music Thanatologists, you can watch the video here:  http://www.kobi5.com/news/local-news/item/helping-the-sick-and-dying-through-music.html

The thing that was really cool to me, was the fact that James and Elizabeth are neighbors of mine, and in fact helped me walk my dog when my back was out.  They are really good people, and from the video, really good musicians as well. 

I just wanted to share this as it's a good story, a little bit of calming music and a reminder that LIVE music is the very best kind!  It effects one's body and mind and soul.  Support local musicians :-)

Host a house concert, go out to concerts, encourage people who play and sing to share their gifts, hire musicians for your parties, and if you or a loved one is ill and dying, then James and Elizabeth are the people to call...

If you want to know more about hosting a house concert for yours truly, just drop me an email at anamcaris@hotmail.com!

  

Why I believe in God...

"Why do you believe in God?      

The priest asked us this question at the inquirer's class on Sunday.  The answers varied.  There were answers about babies being born, a parent dying, about nature and its spectacular gifts, and a near death experience.  I like the question and have been pondering it ever since. 

Lately, in a struggle with some physical issues, I have felt myself less faith full and more fear full.  And yet, when I go to the Source in silence, the peace and the faith return and things balance out. 

There are so many reasons I believe in God, so many reasons that I find myself immersed in God's great love. 

And I know all the reasons why perhaps it isn't rational to believe in God.

There was a minister I knew who had never had a spiritual experience.  Her intellect got in the way she told me.  She would rationalize away, anything of that sort which might try to peak through to to her.

This morning as I write, there is a snow falling.  I've missed morning prayer as I don't have snow tires and the driveway is very steep and slippery.  So I am blogging instead.  Thinking deep thoughts and asking profound questions :-)

It isn't so much all the extraordinary spiritual experiences that I've had that give me faith.  They certainly have helped me in difficult times.  But it is the ordinary stuff of life that I find shining with the touch of heaven most days:  savoring a bowl of steel cut oats for my breakfast; a little black dog filled with so much enthusiasm she squeals all the way down the street as we go for a walk, making me laugh; a serious conversation with my significant other which turns somehow into absolute hilarity and we laugh until we can hardly catch our breath; the sun, sparkling on the water; Mary Oliver's poetry and John O'Donahue's blessings; the sound of my best friend's voice as she speaks about something that excites her; my own passion about this thing called faith and protecting it from apathy, cruelty and fear.

Just writing about it all fills me with a sense of that "peace which passes understanding!" 

Love is at work.  God is present in this world...in all the tiny details as well as the grand schemes.

Someone said recently that people these days, since the dawn of enlightenment, don't find belief in a God who is personal, relevant.  Well...perhaps not personal in the sense of some old fellow in a white beard handing down edicts from on high, directing traffic.  But the inference was that God is not involved in the details of our lives either.  And I find that very sad.  Madeleine L'Engle used to speak about an infinite God...God who is very much in the large workings of the universe, and God who is involved in the tiny infinite details as well.  I believe that.  And when I choose to believe in God's goodness, it shows up everywhere I turn.  That's the choice you know.  If we choose not to believe, God respects that, stepping back and we create all kinds of things from that kind of choice.  Mostly chaos!  But when we choose to believe in God's goodness, we begin to find it and see it in every leaf, in our breathing, in our steady or not so steady heartbeat and in the miracle of waking to life each morning! 

Hoping your day is full of goodness and faith.

(The photos today are by yours truly.  Ordinary moments full of heaven!)

What?

  What in the world am I writing about today?  I don't know.  M

Thirty Years

She was the Reverend Mother, a kind woman, humble, with a good heart and an eye for discernment.  We had a conversation one day, sitting on the steps outside the large chapel.  I remember watching her hands, the age spots on the back of them were somehow comforting to me.  Her white, whispy hair peeked out from under her habit, and clear blue eyes, that seemed to see through my defenses and into my soul looked into my blue eyes from time to time as we spoke. 

My application was in.  I had given my landlord notice and the Salvation Army was scheduled to pick up the things I hadn't already given away.  A few days before I had gone for the physical which was required before I could enter the convent.  It was a beautiful day in May and the breeze felt so wonderful in my hair.  Soon however, my hair would be covered most of the time.  I wondered if I could stand it!  I still love the feel of the wind in my hair. 

"Mother, the doctor says I have a connective tissue disease.  They haven't done further testing to find out exactly what it is...it could be Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus or some other thing."

"I'm so sorry to hear that Connie.  Do you have much pain now?"

"I do have some joint pain, my knees especially, and I get pretty tired out."

"Well, as hard as it is, the best thing you can do is to get outside and walk everyday, whatever the weather."

"Yes Mother..."  I said obediently.  I would of course follow her advice, and even all these years later her words echo in my ears as I take the dog out for a walk. 

"Connie."

"Yes Mother?"  I glanced over at her and she was biting her lip.  It was endearing at the time.  She was so central to the life of this community of women, such an important figure, and it never failed to touch my heart to see her humanity.  Most deeply moving were the times I would come upon her, kneeling in the refectory, cleaning up a spill.  Once it was even an accidental spill for which I was responsible.  I must have turned 50 shades of red that day.

"I'm afraid we can't accept you with a disabling condition like RA or Lupus."

Tears came as unexpectedly as Mother's pronouncement.

"It's not that bad Mother...really."

"But my dear, it could become much more difficult for you to manage in the years to come.  I know this isn't the case with you, but there are those who enter convents with the expectation that they will be cared for in the event their conditions become disabling."

I felt my shoulders slump, tears sliding down my face, my heart felt as though it was breaking into many pieces, one more time in my young life,  though certainly not the last, I felt as though I wasn't good enough for God.  Here I was, giving away everything I had, willing to be married only to God, and the convent didn't want me.  I was damaged goods.  I, I, I...one learns that the world does not revolve around one's ambitions, hopes or dreams, though God does see us and longs for good to be prevelant in our lives. 

Yesterday, 30 years after my initial diagnosis, I saw a doctor who believes I have lupus.  It has never been diagnosed, though I myself have suspected it for some time.  I guess the story of the convent came back to me sitting in that exam room, talking with him about possible causes for numerous symptoms. 

Finding the strength within ourselves to continue on, despite being "damaged goods", unwanted at times, is difficult to say the least.  It isn't the connective tissue disease that causes those feelings.  It originates I believe, in years of sexual abuse and a sense of being unwanted in the world.  It is a recurring theme for so many.  God's love for us has nothing and everything to do with those things.  God brings healing and tenderness to the wounds AND it is much bigger than all of that.  Those things do not define us in God's eyes.  The world isn't always a friendly place to those who struggle with disabilities of many kinds.  And I acknowledge that my life is a miracle in many ways.  Many who have experienced sustained childhood sexual abuse, never make it to adulthood, or if they do, they succumb to drugs and alcohol or take their own lives, or go insane from the grief, or wind up in a prison cell.  And many others become bitter and angry, difficult to love.

All these years later, the hatred I felt for so long has washed away, and God's love fills the empty places.  It is still such hard work, every day and in more ways as I age.  A sense of belonging is elusive to me, as it is to many.  I'm not alone in that.  But the gift is to be able to lift up one's head and bless those who did harm to us in the past.

And so life continues.  Sunshine is streaming in through the windows, Joy, my dog who looks a bit like the flying nun at times with her ears, is snoring at my feet.  I've made plans to see a dear friend today and another next week and I know I'll talk to my best friend later today and we will find much about which to laugh, even when the heart aches. 

Loving God, wrap your arms around each of your children who feels alone, who feels unworthy or unloveable.  Whisper the truth into their hearts and minds so each can walk in your ways to the glory of your name this day and every day.  Amen.

Hearts are Fragile

Hearts are Fragile

Where are the shields of faith and Mustard seeds
just broken dreams, so many needs
Out here in the cold, cold February night.
She cries her tears, makes her pleas,
Shakes her fears in a frigid breeze,
And can't believe it could ever be alright.

No moon above, no lovers love,
No calming voice, there's no choice,
No arms around her in the night,
A child weeps, the blood it seeps
A knife against her snow white throat, her heart, her soul

Could you try find some grace,
To look honestly within her face,
And say the words she needs to hear.
Or is your heart so stone cold dear,
Or are you lost within your fear
Or righteous in your judgements of her weaknesses.

slow down you're movin too fast,
Can't we make the moment last
The turtle cries,
But don't you see, she's a turtle too,
Swimming on and swimming through
60 miles per hour it's true
out where the seagull flies

We can't change who we are,
Searchin for that shining star,
reflected on the waters round us,
maybe its not meant to be,
too much damage to be free,
too much baggage to begin to trust.

Hearts they break, when love's at stake,
a tender reed, it starts to bleed,
And there is One who holds the pain,
Ancient wisdom understands,
we cannot meet all love's demands,
there is one who works away the stain.