So are you scared to Fail? or to Succeed?

Copyright 2010, Caris Cerdwyn, all rights reserved

There is some beautiful writing about this idea...I think a speech that Nelson Mandela gave at one point?  The essence is that we are afraid to fail, but we are more afraid to succeed.

A friend today was talking about how sometimes when we shine brightly with a gift, our light can actually hurt another person.  She put it in such a compassionate way.  Some might have simply called it "jealousy."    I hadn't thought about that before, but in thinking about it, it certainly makes sense.  Some people come into the world with certain gifts...a certain kind of shimmering magic that stirs up joy and happiness wherever they go.  Each of us has a gift for something.  Each of us has a calling.  But some gifts and some callings are more visible and easy to love than others. 

I had a friend once who was very charismatic, very outgoing, always the center of attention.  And it was hard to be her friend.  Not all of the time of course.  We were very close friends and absolutely delighted in each other's gifts and abilities.  We would work on projects and there was a synergy that happened which rarely happened at other times in our lives.  We shook things up at the school we attended, stood up to injustices, laughed until we cried and then cried until we laughed, and once we even chased demons away.  Professors from old paradigms shook in their boots when they saw us come into their classes.  Friends and laughter and community seemed a natural extension of the energy of our friendship.  Especially our last year.

There was a time however, during our second year of graduate school when I pulled away for a while.  I think it was an inner wisdom that knew it would be better for me not to walk in this friend's shadow.  That I needed somehow to make my own way, even if it was less than what happened when we came together.  I eventually caved.  Who wants to be left out?  And she certainly knew how to draw people to herself.   There was a portal there...a moment in time when my choice to stand on my own might have resulted in a very different life than the one I now live.  I will never know what lay on the other side of that portal, but I missed something important in ignoring it.

When graduation night arrived, we were all excited, and sad and scared about what kinds of things the future held.  And when the awards began I held my breath, my heart beating faster, hopeful for recognition, hopeful that my gifts were seen.  We all want to be seen on some level.  We all need attention at times.  And school had been one of the places I found affirmation in my life.  One of the only places for many years.  My identity centered on that.  Not healthy.  A bit of idolatry, true.  But my reality.

Each award except for one went to my friend.  And each time she got up to accept one, I found myself feeling nauseous, I felt myself sinking into my seat and pulling into myself, further and further.  It is hard to explain.  Jealousy?  Yes.  And I used to feel guilty about that, but now I know that jealousy is a tough love friend. Being second in the class that graduation didn't feel enough to me.  Second place wasn't announced.  After graduation I left and went to my room.  We were supposed to be celebrating together, and looking at it from a distance, my inability to do that seems small of me, lacking in generosity.  And yes it was.  And it was also impossible.  I'd gotten triggered.  the PTSD left me sitting alone, unable to celebrate or hope or feel that life was in any way possible for me.   That was the end of our friendship...and not by my choice.  Given her own experiences, she felt it impossible to continue a friendship after such a betrayal.

To me there is no longer right or wrong.  Only human beings with deep wounds, imperfections, and fear that is so destructive.  If I had my druthers there would have been forgiveness and reconciliation.  But when someone or circumstance strikes us at the core, sometimes that is not possible.  Perhaps forgiveness, but not reconciliation.

A sad story...and yet here I am, and perhaps some greater power was shuffling me out of the way of a lifetime of living in someone's shadow.  And indeed, now I have experienced the other side of the coin.  My gifts threaten at times, hurt others at times...just my being who I am is impossible for others to receive...at times.  And I know the wound of that now.  I also know the joy of shining brightly in my own right, and at times being welcomed fully for who I am as well as what I do.