Full Moon

Nasa public domain photo

Last night brought a beautiful dream to me.  A friend, with whom there has been an altercation, and I were suddenly friends again.  We didn't get into deep conversations about what happened or who was "wrong" or "right."   We simply put what had happened in the past, and there was laughter and love, encouragement, support and warmth, where there has been such brokeness. (at least for me.)  The dream was moving into a brief moment where romance seemed possible, and then not, when suddenly I was awakened by a dreadful sound...a lonely, frightened wail...no, it was a howl that made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.  It was in my room!  What was it?  2:30 am, heart pounding I sat up and looked over at Joy, my beloved mutt, who lifted her head and looked at me as though she was wondering what my problem was.  It must have been Joy, but given the fact that I still had goosebumps and heart palpatations, I climbed out of bed and went through the house looking.  Closets were empty of intruders.  Doors were firmly locked.  All the proper boundaries between myself and the outer world were in place.

I went to the window and gazed out at the full moon.  Was Joy following some ancient canine instinct, howling at the moon?  Perhaps.  Or perhaps she was having a terrible nightmare, which seems even more likely.  She has them on a regular basis.  She seems happy enough for the most part during the day, but the past rears its dragonlike head in her dreams which most often leave her whimpering, her paws twitching.  You can see how the past has wounded her if you spend much time with her.  She is timid.  She shies at loud noises, running for cover, she is quite suspicious about someone offering her food, and she has amazing instincts about people...pulling back from those whose energy is angry or violent or suspect in some way.  A young man came to see the place, as I have an advertisement on Craigslist for a housemate, and she was quite cool to him.  I had a feeling about him as well.  And then a young woman came to see the house and Joy went wild with delight, following her around, begging her to play, to rub her belly, to give her some attention.  I liked the young woman's energy and would have enjoyed having her as a roomate.  But she wasn't happy about the idea of dealing with a property management company.  She hasn't called back. 

The dream I had last night has brought tears today.  I yearn for healing and forgiveness.  My heart hurts that this friend has pulled away.  Ultimately, the truth of the matter is that each of us knows that we are one.  There are no walls of separation, no judgements, no enmity in the space where soul meets soul, where the heart sees the truth about the other.  And yet the past so often howls at us in the middle of the night, waking our fear, leaving us wondering what the truth IS.  Is there no way forward, no way to put the past behind us?  Will the past always haunt us?  Raising its head over and over and over again, taunting us with the choices we have made, leering at us, humiliating us and leaving us covered in regrets? 

It seems to me that there is a place outside of time, where the past and the present are one and the same.  The soul is always working out the questions of change or "repentence", which really just means to turn around and go a different way; forgiveness, which is sometimes most difficult for ourselves; and redemption, turning the past into a precious thing that brings healing and hope to those around us, transforming what has been the pain of our wrongdoing into something powerful that can move mountains and melt away walls, and make something new and amazing...like a phoenix rising from the ashes, a butterfly from a cacoon, a dragonfly emerging from a little waterbug.

This woman prays for redemption for us all: leaving the past behind and moving into a better future where we can see each other with wide open eyes and know the deepest truths with compassion and grace.

I suppose my lax attitude about punctuation will come back to haunt me.  If you need evidence, just reread this article carefully!  Of course if you read the core of my essay, the light which is my soul, is here.